I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
