If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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