don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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