why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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