I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
