You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
