life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
