i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
