Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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