If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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