If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
