I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
