she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
