hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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