it was like his penis was on wheels.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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