I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
