I feel great
I just peed on a car
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
