does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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