You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
