I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
