There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
