It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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