god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
