mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
