i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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