I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
