You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
