That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
