And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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