I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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