he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My dick has a subreddit
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
