Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
