im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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