it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
