I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
