he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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