Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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