If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
