grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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