just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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