He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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