Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Someone shattered a urinal.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
