i think my mom watched the whole time
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
