South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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