just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
