Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
