your thong is hanging out like whoa
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
