oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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