get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
should my penis look like a turkey
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
