I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Randomize
