nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
