he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
