She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
