I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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