Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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