I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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