i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
