i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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