when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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