Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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