i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
