you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
