Soap is not a condiment
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
