if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Please don't give away my fajitas
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