its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
