You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
