No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
